stress induced ramblings after a hellish few days that consisted of long and physical shifts at work and my miserable living situation. let’s all imagine for a second that this is my livejournal circa 2006 and that i’m listening to bright eyes. ready. set. go.
i know what i have to do. i’m a pretty intelligent young woman (if i don’t say it, who will). there’s some sick part of me that likes to deny reality and ignore said denial for as long as possible. i know i am better than this and deserve a whole hell of a lot more. i can’t begin to understand why i’ve been ‘slumming’ it for most of my adult life. i’m sure that statement won’t go over well, but let’s be honest. i won’t go into details but i’ll gladly explain it to you in person. i don’t need this. at all. what i have to do is remove myself and see it for what it is. this is what it is: a few old friends who i care about deeply (charleston circa ‘05-‘09), a few new friends who i respect and whose company i enjoy and then it’s a whole bunch of bullshit. i’ve done a relatively good job recently realizing the repetition that is this ‘scene.’ you’re going no where. here’s the part when you start thinking i’m saying that i’m too good for you. and here’s the part when i say i don’t care. if i don’t have high standards for myself then what’s the point.
my life has been a series of fractures and repairs, never becoming exactly what it used to be. there has been three meaningful breaks as of now, high school to college, graduation from college, and moving downtown from my parents’ house. i need to take some time to think about what college meant to me. four years of my life and i don’t have much to show for it. sure i have a degree, but am i using it, no. i do a great job at not maintaining relationships. for example, all of my college classmates who i went through hell with, i have no contact with. i create a relationship that is fairly weak, serves its immediate purpose and then i abandon it. that is going to take me time to come to terms with, so i’ll move along. i don’t like the person i’ve been since college, more specifically since the beginning of this year. she had no respect for her parents nor herself. she had no worries in the world other than immediate satisfaction. she had no self control. well, these have always been problems but since being in the real world there has been no excuse for it. i can’t tolerate myself like this anymore. i need to rediscover my passion for art history. shit, i used to be great at it. i need to pursue the dreams i have now (i’m currently thinking catering/gourmet store and cafe) and i need to cleanse myself of all the unnecessary things, people and bullshit. so in closing, if you want to find me i’ll either be baking tons of cupcakes, selling tons of cupcakes, in culinary class, cooking myself dinner, drinking a glass of wine every other week when i can afford it, attending a show every other month when i can afford it, walking around the neighborhood, or sitting right here at the computer reading baby blogs and home improvement blogs.
ciao.sr.
good news, writing all of this made my stress induced lack of appetite come back. yay?
My family (brother’s girlfriend included) and my Tennessee family (might as well be blood related). Pawleys Island. Sept/Oct 2010.
Ask me anytime I’m in Pawleys with these people and I’ll tell you I don’t fit in, never have and never will. I’m starting to realize that it’s okay and I should just embrace it.
So this morning, I wish I was enjoying this cup of coffee in a rocking chair watching the sunrise over the ocean. I wish my only tasks for the day were tackling a big stack of books and figuring out what to feed 14 people. I wish my only job for the day was checking on the crab pot and releasing the baby crabs. I wish my only concern was what cocktail to have with breakfast, lunch and then dinner.
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Instead I will be apartment hunting with mother. I have been so excited about this, I have a list of properties ten deep. We’ve got lofts in five points, a place above its property management company on devine, a large upstairs/downstairs victorian, a brick duplex, a gorgeous quadraplex, a garage apartment, a duplex with a garage, and a cute triplex. Here’s hoping the cheaper ones are not dumps and also allow cats, that waiting until January to start the lease is okay, oh and that I can borrow furniture to fill it all up.
Not to get ahead of myself but if I do move into a new place, expect a wine filled low key ‘get together’ (you may have to provide all the wine, considering my budget doesn’t allow for it). If I end up moving back to my parents’ house, we’ll still be celebrating with wine, just at your place.
For Christmas I would like Santa Clause to pre-order Modernist Cuisine: The Art and Science of Cooking for me. It’s by Dr. Nathan Myhrvold, the first chief technology officer at Microsoft along with Chris Young and Maxime Bilet. Yes, yes, I do know it’s over $500, but I mean, come on, look at the pictures.
Spiral Jetty. Robert Smithson
Something about this morning made me suprememly optimistic about finding an apartment of my own. I’m such a morning person, that the thought of having free reign every morning made me squeal with delight. I have an idea as to what my mornings will consist of and I look forward to taking advantage of the part of the day most neglect.
Andy Goldsworthy.
So, I guess this means I’ve been tumblr. resurrected. So much has happened since I last posted here, and though this may be the perfect venue for details, I’m not going to go there, it’s not that interesting.
I am two people. One has been living out her dream the past year and six months, without a care. The other, smarter, wiser, one has been pushing her way through and is so close to becoming dominant. I’m okay with it, hell, I’m supporting it and encouraging it. It’s not like living as two people is difficult or tiring, it just gets to a point when you realize that one will never go anywhere other than where it has already been.
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so that’s that.
Big or Little (i’m not sure) Bradley Falls, Saluda, NC
I would like to take a weekend trip into the mountains very soon, but I’m not sure where to go (probably no more than 4ish hours away). As long as the place has tons of trees, birds and creeks I’ll be happy. Suggestions?
cannot wait for this. one day after attending the australian open, the french open, and wimbledon, i will travel with the tour de france.
